Happy love is boring and predictable. It’s time for the adventure of a lifetime—unhappy romance! Here are some tried and true methods to make it happen, according to lovelorn literary classics.
The Doll by Bolesław Prus:
People who are happily in love often couple up according to their own species. That is, they fall for another human being. Do not make this mistake. For the object of your love, we suggest you choose a, well, object—children’s toys work great. Despite all your gifts, sighs, and love letters, your love will never be reciprocated.
The Charterhouse of Parma by Stendhal:
This is a risky method, as it requires happy love as the first step. If you have already reached this banal stage, quickly do something stupid—a brawl, theft, vandalism—and flee to the south of Italy. There you can hole up in a high tower (of which there are plenty in the region). A tip: the higher the tower, the greater the misfortune.
The Sorrows of Young Werther by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe:
Fake your own suicide and go on vacation. On the desk in your apartment, leave a farewell letter in which you confess that you are unhappily in love with [insert a random name here that won’t reveal anything to anyone]. For dramatic effect, you can throw a corpse under the desk. Enjoy your pleasant holiday.
Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare:
Dream of love, suffer, and then fall asleep for a very long time until everyone you could love ceases to exist in one way or another (climate catastrophe, death of the sun, nuclear annihilation). Then wake up in complete misery.
Alcibiades by Plato:
Fall in love with the ugliest kid in class. Visit them at an inappropriate time, completely wasted. Babble something, make a lot of noise, and cause confusion. Leave in the morning. The matter is settled.
