1. You’re picking a movie for the evening. What do you choose?
a) Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ.
b) Top Gun, Mission: Impossible, or Rain Man.
c) A slideshow of photos you took in Knyszyńska Forest.
d) You don’t watch movies and you don’t have anything to play them on, because you are concerned about your safety.
2. You go out for a walk on a cool day. What’s on your head?
c) Deer antlers.
a) A crown of thorns.
d) Foil.
b) A crash helmet.
3. You’re taking your partner out for a romantic dinner. Where do you go?
b) On board a cruiser.
d) You don’t have a partner; you’ll put something together from the cress you grow at home.
a) It’s all the same, because this will be your last supper.
c) To a holy bonfire in the heart of the Solska Wilderness.
4. You’re going on vacation. How do you travel?
d) In a tank you built yourself.
b) With an F-18, a motorcycle, a fast car.
c) On the back of an aurochs.
a) On bare, bleeding feet.
5. What do you name your cat?
c) Proto-Slav.
a) Dolor.
d) Lizard.
b) Tom.
If your most frequent answer was:
a) Your faith is suffering. You struggle and sweat to deserve happiness, but it will only be more agony. So we suggest you smile every now and then, and look on the bright side of life.
b) Your faith is Tom Cruise-ism. You were aiming at Scientology, but the star’s magnetism made you into a believer in Cruise himself. We recommend watching other films, e.g., with Leonardo DiCaprio, Anna Dymna, or some natural acting talent.
c) Your faith is the proto-Slavic forces of nature, witchcraft, and Great Lechia. Of course, the blood of Druids may flow in your veins, mingled with something wild, but a vegan diet will be better—for you and for the world.
d) Your faith is reptilianism. It’s colorful and original, but it cuts you off a bit from interpersonal relations. Try to remember that not everybody around you is a lizard from outer space who’s trying to take over the Earth!
Translated from the Polish by Nathaniel Espino
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