“Remote Lesson”
TEACHER
Children, I sent materials to you
On Henry IV. Would someone please recount
The valiant deeds of this time-honoured king?
No one hath read it? What say ye?
ROSALINE
Pray ma’am,
Thou art muted.
TEACHER
(trying to unmute herself)
Ah fie, the devilry!
Do ye hear me? Raise your hands presently.
(no one raises their hands)
And now?
VALENTINE
Ay, we hear thee.
TEACHER
Valentine, pray
Show thy visage to us. What is this sight
Most foul?
VALENTINE
Koffing.
TEACHER
Speak thee of the plague that
Hast ravished these lands?
JULIET
Nay, the Pokémon.
TEACHER
And yet his sight doth take mine own breath hence.
I told you, children, here I would see you,
Not those damn’d avatars.
VALENTINE
(shows himself in the camera)
I’m here.
TEACHER
Thank thee.
So back to Henry IV—pray, Helena,
We chat not during class!
HELENA
I’m taking notes.
TITUS
Ouch! Thee wretch, more wretch’d than wretchedness.
TEACHER
What say thee now?
TITUS
A paper ball he threw
At me!
TEACHER
Who?
TITUS
My brother, whom every day
To call brother even infects my mouth.
TITUS’S BROTHER
(invisible in the camera)
Mother! Titus is beating me!
TITUS’S MOTHER
(invisible in the camera)
Titus!
Stop beating thine brother!
TITUS
He started it!
TEACHER
Titus, mute thyself when you speak to her
When ye’ve talked turn the sound back on. Titus?
ROSALINE
Pray ma’am, thou art muted.
This play is part of the series “New Verse by Once-Famous Poets” and is not authentic verse by William Shakespeare.