We meet the alien Ol-Titil, from the planet Tiks in the Aldebaran constellation, in Łazienki Park in Warsaw. Even though it’s relatively warm, Ol-Titil is wearing a thick winter coat—as he explains, he’s susceptible to the cold. Right off the bat, he suggests we keep things informal. I’m excited to have the opportunity to chat with a being who’s completely different from us.
Jan Kowalski: Why did you choose this park for our meeting?
OT: I like greenery, it soothes me. And it’s easier to feel the atmosphere of bygone days in the old parks.
How do you feel in a place like this? It must be strange for you. You don’t have parks on Tiks, do you?
Oh, we do—almost every town has them. We like parks very much.
I guess when you say “park,” as an alien, you mean something quite different from our parks, right?
I’m not so sure . . . To me, a park means trees, lawns. Sometimes, in the historic parks, you can still find old palaces and ponds.
Two different worlds come together, but are they really as different as I thought? I drop the park subject.
Let’s try a more general question. What has shocked you the most here on Earth?
Ol-Titil thinks for a minute; he must be finding it hard to choose. I wait patiently.
Nothing, really.
Nothing?
Nothing. Everything’s just the same as at home.
Poor thing doesn’t understand the particularities of Earth—no wonder. I’ll have to be more specific.
Right now we’re in a park, a place of relaxation. How do you spend your free time on Tiks? Do you like to rest, or do you prefer firing plasma? Do you get together in cocoons? Listen to black holes? Kill proto-worms?
It depends on the individual. Sometimes we go to the cinema or the theater, we read books . . . The youth go to parties, they dance. Got to let off steam when you’re young, right?
But your “dances” must be totally different from the ones on Earth. Can they even be described in human language?
Actually, we have quite similar dances: rock and roll, hip-hop, swing. And the regular swaying, everyone doing their thing on the dance floor. And then the traditional ones—waltz, tango, polonaise. But you don’t do those at parties. (He chuckles)
Hang on, you mean the polonaise developed on Tiks and Earth independently?
I know it’s odd, but yes. We have a different name for it, of course—it’s called “el-pirtlot” in my language—but it’s the polonaise. We have a saying on my planet: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” It means customs vary depending on where you are. But sometimes, I guess they can be surprisingly similar.
Let’s move on from the dancing. What’s the main political system on your planet? Quantum oligarchy? Telepathic unity, otherwise known as “the hive”? Or is it something that can’t be described in human language?
It’s varied over time, but currently liberal democracy prevails.
I suppose it’s something you’re terming “liberal democracy” to help us understand you?
No, no, it’s just democracy. We even have a saying about it: “Democracy is the government of the people, by the people, for . . .”
I’m afraid we’re out of time, thank you for talking to us.
As Ol-Titil and I part ways, I feel annoyed and disheartened. Based on the answers he gave, he clearly didn’t understand my questions. But that’s how it goes when you talk to a member of a different species. Perhaps—I sigh, heading in the direction of home—communication isn’t possible after all. We can’t break down that invisible wall. I turn around and see Ol-Titil, his cosmic aims known only to himself, walking toward the line for the coffee and hot chocolate stall. He takes a wallet from his pocket. What’s he looking for in there? We humans will never know.
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